What would your life look like without your eating disorder?
A loaded question; I know.
Instead, let us start with something simple.
Do you have a morning routine? I’m not talking about get up, brush teeth, hair, get a drink of water….yada, yada, yada…..
More like a thought routine-thoughts that pop into your mind the moment sleep fades and awareness opens its eyes.
For example: What will I do for myself today? I can do this! I am excited to see what today holds! It may be tough but I have overcome so much already. Shut up, Ed!
Or is it more like: Oh no, not again…! I will breath in and out until I can go back to bed, hide under the covers so I don’t have to see myself or think. I can stay warm and safe.
Unfortunately, the world beckons me God, is that what I really look like? I’m screwed!
Feeling inadequate and broken can be part of life ,but does not have to be your life.
It had been a part of my life since I’d met Ed when I was 17 and lost my professional ballet career; I trusted a voice that told me, “If you can just stay thin, you can hold happiness.”
Liar.
Once under its spell, I became obsessed with my body, perfection, a happiness that didn’t exist because it was contingent upon a weight that wasn’t even physically possible for my body.
Such a liar.
For years it seemed recovery was a permanent uphill climb. Some said it would get easier as I grew stronger and built my recovery voice. True. The kind of truth that hurts. It hurts to admit I doubted myself almost the entire time I fought Ed, however, that didn’t stop me from fighting, falling down, getting back up and fighting some more. Just because I doubted myself, didn’t mean I was going to give up.
It takes a stubborn, determined person to recover. It also takes a stubborn, determined person to stay sick.
Life with my eating disorder meant my thought routine was jacked, warped, infected with negativity. Mornings were the worst, they were…..UGH!
Now back to my original question…
What would your life look like without your eating disorder? How would your thoughts change, relationships, routines etc…
What would you live for if you weren’t trying to be skinny?
Think about it….
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